


Ambiguity: Waiting

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: F/F, Female Homosexuality, Friendship/Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 21:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't mind it. Being the way we are is okay. Living our lives without pretense is completely fine for us. Even so, is this enough?    --Shiz/Nat....HiME Universe. One shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ambiguity: Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: One of my brilliant ideas (regrettably so) from the writing was one of our free write/speed write days...yes, we combined them...i had three hours to come up with and type the concept...within that, I think this ended up rather well, because I think in a lot of ways, Sniz/Nat is like the ambiguously gay duo...and they'd...well, I guess even if they overcame a lot of things, there are even more things that would linger between them for an increasingly long time...and that's where this came from.

Ambiguity: Waiting

"Mai please, do we have to talk about this now?" Natsuki begged after the topic of relationships became a tangible crisis at the forefront on Mai's mind. "I mean, I don't mind him and all, but you and Tate kinda freak me out." It was a muddle road for Natsuki, romance bothered her...especially ones she didn't understand.

"Fine, if that's the case, we can talk about you and Shizuru." Mai laughed. "How is that going?"

"It isn't." Natsuki growled pointedly. She knew this was going to happen, it seemed to occur every time she came over to be fed, something she did often. Shizuru insisted that she didn't eat out of the mayo jar directly anymore. "It'll probably be that way for a while." The woman in question couldn't always be around for lunch, her classes a continuous conflict. "It doesn't really matter though." On days like that, Natsuki often partook of Mai's cooking since the carrot top didn't mind. She actually insisted on it too. "As long as she and I can just live comfortable lives, that's all that matters."

"That's not going to be good enough for long." Mai sighed, wagging her finger absentmindedly. "You really should stop walking around in the doldrums."

"We aren't in the doldrums." Natsuki growled then. "We're just taking things slow."

"Really, really slow..." Mai fired back. "You aren't holding out on me, are you?"

"There's nothing to withhold! It isn't like she's anything like that pervert you have for a boyfriend." Natsuki sighed as she finished her meal and then scooted away from the table, using one of Mai's pillows for a prop. "Shizuru and I are okay, for now at least."

"Okay isn't great, Natsuki." Mai bantered on. "I really don't see what the big deal is." It was just like every other afternoon spent on the university campus, Mai's prattling always in a sisterly tone. "Shizuru's good looking, smart, composed...it isn't like she doesn't have a lot going for her." Mai was easily caught up in ticking every single little thing onto her fingers, though, truth be told, she was clinging to the obvious answers the most. "She'll really go far in life, and that's something you can't say for most people. Sure she may have a leg up, given who she is, but I think that's an advantage worth using. Don't you agree?"

"Shizuru will go far in her life." Natsuki agreed as she popped another little chocolate confection into her mouth. "I think that's a good thing too, but I'm not exactly the type of person you can present to a family." Natsuki wasn't happy about it, but she knew it was true. "Besides, even if I was, Shizuru's not exactly from casual people."

"It sounds like you need a new change of self image." Mai told her then, a petulant frown upon her lips as she crossed her arms. "You're not that bad, and you know it."

"That's not the point." Natsuki for her part, endured the old conversation with as much sanity as she could muster, but even then she found that it wasn't enough. "It isn't that I don't like her...it's that she likes me more than she should." Living in the dorms with Mai not only gave her a few good friends to talk with, it also gave her nosy companions. "She feels guilty about it...I think." Natsuki just shook her head. "Besides, even if she doesn't...I'm not into that kind of thing...so like I said, we aren't going anywhere."

"Into what kind of 'thing', Natsuki?" Mai asked her, exasperation filling her voice. "I know you aren't the most romantic person in the world, but even you can't deny that you care about her."

"Yeah...but it isn't just romance I'm worried about." Natsuki's grumbling being what it was, she nodded, noncommittally at best. "It's not like we can be okay with it." As if to add insult to injury, Natsuki looked around. "The walls are thin. When ever you and Tate shack up, I end up hearing it." With that in mind, Natsuki had no real interest to test any new waters. "Besides, it's like you said, I'm not into all of that romantic crap."

"Not into it, or confused by it?" Mai asked then, having gotten to know Natsuki quite well, and had been able to pick up the cues her friend sent her often.

Natsuki was usually thankful for the blunt questions. "A little bit of both, I guess." This, was not one of those times. "It doesn't matter anyway, Shizuru's been so busy she probably doesn't even have time to think about this kind of stuff." With a shrug, she could further dismiss the entire conversation. "I don't get why you're so interested in my relationship in the first place."

"I'm worried, Natsuki. There's a difference." Mai sighed then, closing the book that she had in front of her. She leaned onto the table with a shrug of her own, and such an action seemed to get a rise out of her skittish friend who immediately blushed before looking away. "You can't tell me you haven't been thinking about it, it's written all over your face."

"It is not!" It was a bold lie, but Natsuki clung onto it like the very air she breathed. "What are you, some sort of expert on lesbians now or something?"

Mai just shook her head. "Well, at least you've figured that out." The snide remark forced Natsuki to look at her again, but soon the glare softened into one of understanding. Then, once again, Natsuki avoided Mai's gaze shyly. "That's gotta be a step in the right direction, right?" Mai prodded further, trying to ease Natsuki out of her sour mood.

Then, Natsuki's demeanor changed into something nearing fearful. "It's just, that's not the problem, Mai." Weakly, she knew she'd have to give into Mai's questioning. "It never was...not just about that." She frowned, hating that she was being so easily seen through. "It's not about being friends...or being something else...but, if I have to be something else with Shizuru...I've got to be perfect for her."

"What's wrong with the way you are?" The question was quiet, but it seemed to boom in Natsuki's ears. "I mean, I'm not really into girls or anything...so I could be missing something, I'll admit that." Mai was relentless. "That still doesn't mean that you're not stewing about something. You've been off kilter for weeks, and you've even been checking me out. What's going on?"

"I'm not checking you out." Natsuki retorted all too quickly. "I was thinking."

"About sex." Mai tacked on, only to elicit a growl from her nearby friend.

The shy woman hid her face in the pillow. "Not with you or anything..." The muffled reply came. "It isn't like that...I was just thinking about if I could or not."

"Now you've lost me." Mai finally eased up. "You were thinking about if you could have sex?"

The clock ticked just a little louder as the room became quiet. Natsuki needed the time to work up the courage to pull her face out from hiding. "I don't know if I'm able to really trust a person that much." Natsuki had come to grips with the fact that Mai intended to torture her, deciding better than to avoid it, even if she hated the topic at hand. "If it's with Shizuru, I might be able to. The thing is, when it comes down to it, there's just this thing about being touched...I don't like it. Somehow, it always results in pain, or being tied up, or something...weird."

"Don't tell me you two haven't gotten heated before." Mai was digging deeper again, expecting to be told something else. "Just yesterday, you two were sharing the shower."

"Damn it!" Natsuki yelled. "I knew those walls echoed."

"It's not like I care." Mai dismissed. "I'm just saying that you guys are closer to the point than you realize." In honesty her interests were now tickled. "If you weren't having sex, what were you doing?"

"She was being a pervert...teasing me mostly." Natsuki muttered darkly. "The things that were coming out of her mouth completely shatters any and all pretense of innocence, I'll say that much."

"I don't doubt it." Mai agreed before a niggling reality came to mind. "Though, if you don't like being touched, doing anything is going to be pretty hard."

"I know, idiot." Natsuki grumbled. "That's why I'm in a bad mood."

"So you do want it!" Mai exclaimed, a grin spreading it's way across her face.

"Oh, shut up!" It was days like this that made her wonder why she didn't just go back to eating out of the mayo jar.

…

If she were being completely honest, she did want to figure out a few things. There were details about her life that had always bothered her, and one of those details just so happened to be interactions with others. She was withdrawn, even when she didn't want to be. She got angry and flustered, often for no good reason. It wasn't anything that Mai could help her with, and, it wasn't a topic made for conversation. At least, not one shared among friends. Natsuki doubted it should even be one talked about with Shizuru, though she knew sooner or later, she'd have to say something...that was, if she couldn't figure it out for herself first.

The loner at heart that she was, told her she had to try...it wasn't a good idea...in fact, she thought it was a rather poor one. Still, desperate times called for obscure answers.

I can do this. Natsuki thought calmly to herself, trying to take soothing breaths in and out. I can't believe I'm actually going to...this is insane! As soon as her fingertips trailed down where they ought not to have gone, she bolted right up, sickened by the very notion about what she was doing. What pervert would actually...do this? Looking down at herself, and then over on the nightstand where she had a book marked in place, she couldn't help but feel angry. That's it, I'm a failure at this whole relationship thing...I'm just going to have to tell Shizuru that I can't do things with her...that's it...that's just going to be how it is. The mere thought of that sent a painful spike to her heart.

But I can't...because Shizuru's an affectionate person...if I did that. Natsuki pulled her lower lip between her teeth and gulped. Saying something like that would upset her...she would think I don't love her...and I can't have her thinking that...I don't want her to doubt me again.

Natsuki couldn't bring herself to say anything that would bother Shizuru. She would blame herself, even if that isn't the case. The thick smell of lavender filled the room, but even that was just adding more difficulty to her personal endeavor. I know I'm not always clear about things...but I've gotta be positive about this. Picking up the candle she had lit, she blew it out. If not, I don't even have the right to be with her...or to keep her by my side, even if she wants to be.

It reminded her of Shizuru, and at the moment, that was the last person she needed to have lurking in her mind.

Damn it! I've just gotta do this once and get it over with. She picked up the book before tossing it clear across the room, and then settled herself back onto the bed. How come this has to be so hard? She didn't know why, but for some reason, the thought had never occurred to her. The entirety of dating was fine...kissing was alright, and actually quite enjoyable...

Still, if there was one thing Natsuki Kuga hadn't thought about at the time of opening her heart, it was this. People do it all the time, so why can't I? It wasn't because she lacked understanding either.

Her world was filled with it. Sexual icons were everywhere in her life. From the scantly clad women in the games she played, to the completely naked ones on bike posters, Natsuki had to admit to herself. Sex is apart of life...it's everywhere, and everything we can think of. She'd just hadn't thought of things like that. Before, she didn't have the time. Going into bars had made her forget that behind Shizuru's often soft and gentle persona, there was indeed another side to things. The things they accused her of...the jokes she makes...she needs more than my stupidity and fear...she needs more than kisses, and more than what I can even imagine.

An erotic side just underneath the surface.

I've seen the hungry look in her eyes...and the pain she has every time I pull away. Even though Natsuki would take a fancy in undergarments, ones that would make blood boil, most of those pieces were ones she'd never actually dare to wear. I've just gotta beat the fear...find a way to make myself immune to it...somehow...learn to overcome it...to be okay with it.

The very life she knew, it was covered in everything dubious. From porn, drugs, drinking, and even guns...Natsuki had always considered those things apart of her quest. Revenge...that's all it could ever be about...so, to protect herself from the slimy underworld, she'd closed off that side to her heart. To her, intimacy was a disgusting thing...at least, it had been. Now, she pondered that. A hesitating truth that she was quite unsure of. Alright, one more time...it's like a gunfight, if you don't pull the trigger, you're not gonna win...failure isn't an option. If I fail, I'll hurt the people I care about most. That gave backbone to her resolve. I could loose my most important person...I cant risk that.

That made her eyes slip closed, and she concentrated on this like the HiME she had once been...knowing she could lose Shizuru with inaction...by not doing anything, she could lose everything. Her one hand gripped the sheets, unsure of just what she might feel, diving in head first to do this sort of thing. Her gut tightened, and she bit her lip as she finally allowed one nervous finger to caress her soft womanly folds.

She heard a gasp, but it wasn't her own. Natsuki opened her eyes, seeing the last person she wanted to fall witness to her moment of personal exploration. Natsuki had never bolted from the room so fast in her life, slamming the door behind her in her wake.

Fuck... She thought to herself as she hid her face in her hands, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. Se was leaning on the bathroom door, her face coloring pink. No matter what she tried to do, she couldn't cool her heating cheeks. Gotta calm down...I need to think clearly. The air was thick with steam from her shower, but even then when she looked up, she could see her reflection in the mirror. She probably thinks I've lost my mind. It wouldn't be far from the truth.

"Natsuki?" That voice was so utterly confused.

"Shit..." It was all Natsuki could bring herself to sigh as she leaned on the door. Of all the times she had to let herself into my dorm room, it had to be today. Natsuki had to find solid ground, she felt like she was going to faint. I wonder what she's thinking? What emotion is swirling in your eyes right now, Shizuru? Even so, she could very nearly feel Shizuru's burning gaze through the door.

"Natsuki?" The voice called again, this time, deeply in worry.

I've troubled her... "What now?" Natsuki barked, the word came out harsher than she'd intended. Or, is it just a mask, like it always seems to be when I do something stupid?

"Open the door." It was a request, soft and sweet.

"Like hell." Natsuki shot back. I can't. She wouldn't let the the door handle turn as she gripped it with her hand. "Go away!" All she could do was glue her eyes shut, her terror and mortification enough to help her keep her strength. I'm sorry, but I just can't. She wished it would just drain out of her like it had during the carnival...at least then, Shizuru could at least see how she felt. I love you more than you could ever understand. If you get the wrong idea...

It got quiet...eerily so, but Natsuki accepted that as the comfort that it was. She had bigger fish to fry, trying to put the pieces of her already addled mind back together. It was racing, her heart like a jackhammer. It'd be easier if I could talk to her. Yet she couldn't bring herself to do it. Shizuru wouldn't be mad about it...but, if she laughs... Her mouth felt dry, and so she went over to the sink, cupping some water not only so that she could rinse off her face, but so that she could also cool down her burning throat. She will laugh, it's inevitable because I'm being stupid again, aren't I?

Caught in her own mental revere, she didn't notice that another door opened. "Funny thing about university dorms." Shizuru's voice made her jump, her heart pounding rapidly merely at the sound of that accented lilt. "Even though we have a room to ourselves, we still have to share a bathroom." Shizuru replied gently as she came in from the other door. It was Mai's bedroom door, to be exact. "I should be happy Natsuki has such a good friend who looks after her, or else, I would have had to wait for you to come out of your own accord."

Like a deer in headlights, Natsuki froze. "Why can't you just give me some damned space?"

"My Natsuki seemed as if she was about to cry." Shizuru said then, the worry she had was etched plainly across her face, and woven into her voice. She even had Natsuki's robe in hand. "I thought we overcame our inability to talk to one another." She wrapped Natsuki in it. "I'd hate to think we're regressing into old habits." Natsuki could hardly even look at her, and though that was painful, she knew it had to do more with Natsuki's state of unease. "Am I really that hard to speak to?" What she'd found earlier left little to the imagination, and yet even so, she'd never thought she's encounter such a sight.

About some things, yes! Natsuki's embarrassed glare shouted that fact, but her voice couldn't be nearly as commanding as that. "What do you want me to tell you, Shizuru?" There were plenty of things that she could say, but in the end, Shizuru had seen exactly what had been going on. "You saw what I was trying to do..."

"Trying?" The beautiful woman elegantly raised an eyebrow at that.

"Well it isn't like I've ever done that shit before!" Natsuki shouted before realizing she'd done it. Damn it... Shizuru pulled her into a fierce hug before she could escape and hide again, something that they both knew was beyond a temptation. "Just give me some space." Natsuki begged her weakly. "Shizuru, please, I just need some time alone right now."

"That's the last thing you need." Soft, but firm, Shizuru didn't let Natsuki out of her hold. "I know you by now. If I leave, you'll sit there and berate yourself all night over this. That'll build up stress that you don't need to have." This was a game they played many times, but this time, Shizuru refused to let it happen. Forgive me of this momentary indiscretion, Natsuki. She licked her lips before she pulled away only enough to draw Natsuki into a soothing kiss, begging to be let in. Natsuki obliged that much, without expecting the hand that slid inside her her robe, causing her to jump back.

She regretted it as soon as she did it.

That's why... Before, she was upset, but now was the time she truly wanted to cry. This is so...fucked...god I hate when this happens. The pain that fluttered across Shizuru's face was enough to tell Natsuki exactly what Shizuru was thinking. "I hate being touched." Natsuki forced it out. They both knew it, but Natsuki for whatever reason, had always been more accepting of Shizuru's close proximity. There were very few who could get beyond Natsuki's personal bubble without actually getting the life beat out of them for the mere conjecture. "And you...unfortunately for me, are a very clingy person...it's not a bad thing, but..."

As if to welcome the fact, Shizuru's wandering hands had just been a little closer than Natsuki had wanted, but, Natsuki couldn't say she was put off by it either...even if she had been shocked by the advance. "Don't worry, Shizuru." It had sent a jolt through her, and now, Natsuki wanted more.

"I'm sorry." Shizuru's voice began to break, her perfect lilt no longer there to gift comfort. It was horrible to hear, even though she was holding back the tears and the sobs she truly wanted to release from her heart. "I shouldn't have touched you then, either."

"Shut up." Natsuki murmured, grabbing hold of Shizuru's arm before the taller woman could even think of getting the wrong idea. "You're the reason why I get myself into these messes in the first place." Natsuki was tired of the sleepless nights. The worry. She knew it was going to come up. That Shizuru needed more than what they had...and this relationship of theirs was drifting back dangerously close to the friend zone again.

Natsuki hated that thought. Besides...I've already got a new best friend...I don't need two of them. She wanted more for herself...more for Shizuru...but she couldn't make it happen if she found herself bothered by the most simple feeling in the world. "You can touch me, Shizuru...hell, maybe you should do it more...I don't know."

With a soft smile that was forced from the depths, eased even if only slightly by Natsuki's words, Shizuru shook her head. "I'm sure that whatever is troubling my Natsuki won't be solved if I do that."

"It might." Natsuki blurted before looking away. If I could just come right out and say it...we'd both be better off. Instead she sighed. "Shizuru, I can't explain it well." Chancing a glance, she saw the invitation to try, and yet, Natsuki felt the words die in her throat. Things like this always made her feel as if her world was crumbling. "If two people...were together, and yet...not...at the same time, what would that make them?" Natsuki shrugged, the question one meant to linger in the air. "That's what I think about...especially when you come into my mind. We're a bunch of things that shouldn't fit, but somehow we do." She pulled away entirely from the beseeching gaze and opened the door back into her dorm room.

"I'll admit, we do seem a bit off-putting occasionally. I'm sure it's because people don't know how to approach us." That much was something Shizuru accepted and embraced...it was a protection because it kept everyone guessing. "However, that shouldn't bother you. At least you're still left well enough alone." She liked to hide, even just a little bit, and it was the perfect cover from adoring fans.

"It's weird." Natsuki told her, meeting Shizuru's eyes yet again to drive that point home. "Not to mention completely dumb...I mean, this doesn't make any sense to me."

"There you go again." Shizuru could only shake her head the slightest bit. "Trying to fit a circle into a forest of squares. That will never get you anywhere." If it was the simplicity to the statement that struck the first cord, or the fact that Natsuki was just at the end of her rope, Shizuru was unsure. Still, she could see the stirring of quite a difficult road. If Natsuki couldn't find the courage to say what seemed to be eating away at her, there was little else left to do. Shizuru would have to resort to provocation. "However, assuming all of that were true, it still doesn't mean I could possibly be of any help."

"It isn't like you actually did anything that night." Natsuki murmured then. "I mean, I know what everyone thinks happened, but even if I was drugged off my ass on painkillers, I remember enough of it." Natsuki blushed and looked away. "I know you didn't...that we didn't..." Natsuki shook her head. "I would remember something like that." Even so, she couldn't help but feel bothered by the fact. She wondered about it, about what Shizuru's intentions might have been. "I knew you were withdrawn then, that you're withdrawn now too..." Running a hand through her long silken tresses was the only way to keep her mind steady.

Natsuki had to say it. "I sometimes wonder if I'm just incapable of allowing that sort of nearness, even if I want that...I also think that if something had happened that night, then maybe I wouldn't be so skittish about it now." Her own bitterness was annoying her, and Shizuru's gaze, both deeply searching for answers didn't help matters. "So, maybe pushing me into it a little bit isn't a bad thing...I don't know."

"I don't like seeing you recoil." Shizuru told her honestly. "I think a few pushes here and there are good for any person whenever they falter, but you're just a bit different when it comes to romance, Natsuki." He voice was calm, but it was clear by the grip of the bed sheets she now sat on, that she was anything but calm. Her mind was racing, putting the fragments together as best as she could. "Besides, I never would be able to take that kind of advantage over Natsuki. The kiss was bad enough."

"It was bad because it wasn't clear or straightforward." Natsuki told her. "I was out of it, and I didn't know how you felt, so..." She trailed off with a sigh. "I was bound to recoil from something I did...especially without knowing I did it...I blame myself for that, not you." Natsuki sighed then. "If I had known from the start, I could have done a better job at dealing with things."

"I kissed you, Natsuki." Shizuru told her. "It was something I did to you."

"I wasn't awake for it!" Natsuki shouted, trying to make it clear. "I didn't know! If I had been awake...even if it bothered me, I wouldn't have...you know what? It doesn't matter. That's not the problem!" She sighed, bashing her fist in dismay. The wall echoed in reply. "A kiss is different than...well, the other things a couple does." It's dirty, either way...wrong, and dirty! Her mind screamed at her. "People have sex when they want something...a passing trade. A few bucks gets any guy a blow job...that's how it works down town." Natsuki muttered with her teeth clenched shame written all over her face. "All I know about it, is the stuff I saw when I went into places that I shouldn't have gone. We both know porn is as fake as it gets, so there aren't any answers there either, besides the fact that it just feels so wrong to watch them."

"So, if I am to understand Natsuki, she wants to have more than she already has." Shizuru said apprehensively. "To that extent, she doesn't know how to go about it?" There was a small part of her, a faint hope, that she'd locked away, and had kept thoroughly under wraps. In truth, she was happier without it. It was a lustful side, a side filled with fantasies that just didn't suit her, or the way she hoped to eventually live her life. She smiled, the irony lost on her. "I think it's alright." She told her. The memory was distant now, and was filled with things she didn't wish to recall, but even so, the feeling was still there. "If you decide you want to act on it or not, I don't believe it matters all that much."

"That's the problem. I can't figure that out." Natsuki indignantly replied. "I'm going to go insane."

"I'm happy, as we are." Shizuru said then, a quiet admission she herself hadn't been ready to gift was seeking to escape. "I'm happy that I can be as I am, so casually, and without worries or fears." Still, as she said this, folding her hands in her lap, she also gripped the fabric of her pants nervously. "I could live that type of life, ambiguous as it is. I could do it forever, and not be bothered by it." She sighed. "In fact, that's more than I assumed I'd be allowed to receive."

"But that's just..." Natsuki trailed off. "That's just not the way a life should be."

"I'm grateful to be allowed more than that." Shizuru told her. "You've been very considerate of my feelings, always." There had always been a heavy weight that lingered in the recesses of of her mind. "Natsuki allows me to truly love her, and I know her actions are not ones made out of charity." A deep conflict unable to be quelled, and yet, she was happy to carry it forever, so long as she could be by Natsuki's side. "Natsuki wants it too, and that makes me happy." Now, though, the lock she'd put on her heart was slowly breaking. She felt even just for a moment, that it might just be alright to feel her desire come back to life. "So, I don't think you should worry so much about it."

…

Shizuru had left it at that.

A maddening reply, if Natsuki had ever heard one. Still, there was an unmistakable relief found within crimson orbs. Her shoulders had settled squarely into a confidant, assured pose. Shizuru once again became the same easy going woman that Natsuki so loved. They shared the bed, and breakfast in the same casual manner, and nothing changed. Natsuki didn't know what she expected, but she knew for a fact that she's hoped for something more...was it redemption? To have Shizuru be the one who had all of the confidence? Natsuki didn't know.

Still, in the passing weeks, she had noticed a few things.

"What do you mean, acting weird?" Natsuki wasn't the only one to notice either, Mai was also noticing as well. "Shizuru's the same as she's always been. You're just thinking strange things, Mai."

"It's not a bad kind of weird." Mai shrugged then, putting some noodles into the pot of boiling water. "She's just acting different, that's all."

"Leave it to you to bring things up." Natsuki muttered, though she knew Mai was right. "It's not something I can say for sure." Natsuki sighed, a bit miffed about the entire thing. "I'd thought by now, after...well...after that night, I thought she might be a little more inclined to want to be with me."

"She isn't?" Mai asked then. "That's not very much like her at all, now is it?"

"I think I've done something I shouldn't have." Natsuki knew what was bothering Shizuru, she saw it dancing in her eyes, a look she'd seen often enough before, but had never put a name for it. It twinkled there every time they shared a bath, every time they dress or undressed, every single time Natsuki let her guard down, she saw that same look. That same fondness, one not exactly innocent. "Shizuru's good at avoiding it, but I know what she's letting herself think about again."

"She didn't before?" Mai was surprised, the shock plain on her face.

"She makes a lot of perverse jokes, but deep down, Shizuru really isn't like that." Natsuki sighed. "If she was, she wouldn't have been waiting around like she has." She stuffed her hands down into her pockets, pulling her knees up to her chin. "She says she's happy as she is, and that I shouldn't worry as much as I do...maybe she's right...or maybe she wants me to make the first move, and she wants me to figure that out on my own."

"Or maybe you're just over thinking things." Mai told her, nearly shoving the bowl of noodles into Natsuki's face. "If Shizuru wanted you to be the one to make the first move, I think she'd be trying to hint at that." As she sat down with her own bowl, frowning at the fact that instant noodles were not exactly her idea of a good meal. "At least, she wouldn't tell you not to worry about it."

"Yeah, but I'm going to." Natsuki started cramming the food in her mouth, if only to avoid any more weird conversations, but Natsuki knew better. "I worry about dumb crap all the time, it's just how I am...especially because of her."

"People worry about the ones they love." Mai wouldn't let her off that easy either. "That's normal. I'd be more annoyed at you, if you weren't at least a little bit concerned. Still, I think it's alright to accept what she says this time. I think she really is just happy being with you without any implications attached...it does add a strain actually."

"Huh?" The clueless response was met with Mai's blush. "What did Tate do now? Do I have to murder the bastard?" Natsuki's growl was nearly feral.

"No! It's nothing like that." Even so, Mai couldn't ward away the red tint to her cheeks. "I'm just saying...once you start, it's sometimes hard to stop." She considered it, the feelings of stress that would occasionally rise up, and the fights she would often share with her boyfriend. "Tate's affectionate, and he's always gentle...but he's a guy...he needs a lot of attention. Once we started being that kind of couple, I had to deal with a lot more from him. Hearing a refusal is a hard thing to accept, especially since we don't see each other every day. On the weekends, he needs a little more, you know?"

"Yeah, but I see Shizuru every day. I don't think we'd do it all the time." Natsuki muttered into her bowl. "I don't think I'd have it in me to get like that...and Shizuru's got a good head on her shoulders, she wouldn't get that...um...single minded."

"Even so, it's an added stress." Mai replied again. "How would you feel? What if one day out of the blue, suddenly she didn't want you anymore...in that way?"

A pause, Natsuki stopped eating, putting down her food, and her chopsticks. "She's always wanted to stay by my side." Natsuki told Mai in a harsh whisper. "The amount of protectiveness she has, and how possessive she can sometimes be...because of how Shizuru is, that kind of thing has never crossed my mind." She grabbed her leather gloves, hearing them crinkle in her grasp. "I didn't need it to."

"It could still happen." There was a honesty there, from experience. "It happens to me a lot. There are times I just feel as if I'm incomplete somehow." Mai watched as Natsuki stood, a blankness across her face. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing something, and worry about if he's the right kind of person for me."

"It won't be like that for me." If it was heartfelt truth, or denial, Natsuki was unsure of it herself. She felt on edge, her breathing tense. "She and I can't ever get like that." A soft, lonely desperation was all that she could feel. "That kind of resentment is something we couldn't live with. We wouldn't ever be able to."

…

Ambiguity, it washed over her like a wave. Shizuru really was alright with it. It was clear in every move she made, every gentle sigh she breathed. Still, as heated water fell over them from the shower head, Natsuki couldn't help but lean into Shizuru's embrace. Her troubled shoulders eased, and her emerald eyes slipped closed, pushing away the fog the steam created. I don't mind it. Being the way we are is okay. Living our lives without pretense is completely fine for us. Even so, is this enough? Natsuki felt numb, even with the calm breathing on her neck lulled her into a transfixed state.

"Shizuru?" She called the name, a husky murmur. "Do you think you'll ever get bored with just staying by my side like this?"

Shizuru didn't say anything, though, she did hold Natsuki just a little tighter burying her face into soaked tresses of midnight hair that cascaded down Natsuki's back. Not a tease, nor a chuckle slipped out. It hadn't since that one night. Shizuru's new found severity was a bit bothersome, but not entirely unwelcome. Her sigh was contented, a drain of emotion. For a long time, their voices made no sounds, no words to echo on the wall. Finally, just when the water began to run cold, Shizuru let go. "Don't think such unnecessary things." A warning filled with warmth. "I love Natsuki because of the way she is."

"I love you too." Natsuki said then, a blush staining her cheeks. "I just don't know if you realize how much."

"Natsuki, I locked away a lot of very deep feelings for you." Shizuru told her then, a deep sense of loyalty driving her forward. "Things I should never bring to the surface because they don't belong in a proper, loving relationship." Even though she was now wrapped in a towel, she felt more exposed by the passing seconds. "I suppose quite a bit of lust got locked away too, still I think that's a good thing."

"You never have told me what really goes on inside of your head." Natsuki mumbled, she's always wanted to know at least some things. "If you have any insecurities, it isn't like you talk about them anyway."

"You could be right." As Shizuru pulled the brush through her wet strands of hair, she let her eye gaze into the mirror, looking at the woman she cared for. "Maybe one day, I will bring them to the surface for you to see. If that happens, quite frankly, you'll only think it to be ugly. Those things are just bunch of horrible emotions and nothing more."

"So what?" There was a comfort in Natsuki's voice. One that was easy to come by. "Maybe I want to see them one day." Even though they really hadn't changed for better, or for worse, it didn't seem to matter.

"One day, then." Shizuru agreed. "Though, I can't promise when that will be."

Natsuki nodded. "Okay." Her relationship with Shizuru had always been vague. "Maybe by then, I won't be so fidgety either." They conveyed their feelings in an obscure manner. "You can help with that." Words were abstract, and caresses were always somehow strangely platonic. "We can figure it out." Even desire seemed to stay under lock and key. "Hey, Shizuru..."

"Yes Natsuki?"

"I'll wait for as long as it takes." Natsuki told her. "No matter what."


End file.
